Top 10 Things in Church that are of the Devil, Unless You're Emergent

1. The Drums
2. Running in Church
3. Sex (or the mention thereof)
4. Drugs (just the illegal ones…and beer)
5. Rock and Roll
6. Strong Disagreements
7. Hard Questions
8. Mini-skirts
9. Tattoos, Odd Hair Colors, and Body Piercing
10. Emergent Churches

Grumpy Greeters and the Full Service (not full enough)

During a term at college some friends decided to visit a local mega-church. They invited me along, and we were all pretty excited to check things out. That morning we met up outside of our dorm rooms, but someone was running a little late. We made it to the church parking lot a few minutes after the service started, but that is about far as we got. As we made our way towards the entrance, an usher was closing the doors.

When my friend asked him to hold the door for us, he held up his hand to halt our progression, and told us frankly how the service was full. He continued sternly to tell us that we would have to wait until the next service, and that we should come early if we wanted to be admitted.

I think this is why Jesus spent a lot of time preaching outside. Can you imagine his disciples telling people they would have to wait till the next service to hear about God's love? Something tells me Jesus would not have allowed that to continue.

One time while he was preaching inside, people actually tore the roof off to see him, and what’s amazing is, he doesn’t seem all that upset about it. I don’t think that would have gone over well at this church.

The Church of Oprah Windfrey

A lot of people think Oprah is either a god, or the anti-Christ. That seems a little bit extreme. I have some opinions of how Oprah’s life could be different, and her “Big Give,” seems like it has more to do with improving her public image, than actually benefiting others.

Oh no you didn’t. Don’t you dare talk bad about my Oprah! Lord forgive him, he knows not what he’s doing. I can’t read this trash anymore. Where is the back button on this site?

More stories at http://www.funnyinchurch.com/

Top 10 Reasons to Sit in The Back Pew

1. To hide your embarrassing bald spot.

2. Gaining the ability to leave effortlessly, without having to awkwardly shimmy past those who congregate in the center isles to talk.

3. It allows you to track who gets up to use the restroom, and tally how many times.

4. To rest your head against the back wall for optimal sleep performance.

5. Provides the opportunity to guesstimate the cash intake of the morning offering.

6. If a terrorist comes in, the chances of him walking past you are much higher, allowing you to become a hero, or quietly slip out the back.

7. If you fart, you can point at someone next to you when everyone turns around.

8. To earn money by challenging your friend to make faces at the pastor, competing to see who can get him to laugh first.

9. You can put notes into a bottle, and roll them down to your friend in the front row.

10. It allows you to join the sound people when they hurry down for communion, and then go again when the ushers dismiss your row.



The Next Top 10 List will be
"Reasons it stinks to be a Pastor's Kid"

If you have any suggestions please send me a comment. If I use your idea, I will add your link in the post.

Children's Bibles

As our little one grows up, my wife and I have been looking for a good children's Bible. In the process of researching which one would be the best, we have made a startling observation.

These children's Bibles, for lack a better term, have been edited. In my first Children's Bible there was the Adam and Eve account, with naked people and foliage, hiding all the right parts. This is called editing, and in this regard, I think the choice to keep the pictures from turning pornographic is a good call. Yet, in the endeavor to find a Kid's Bible like mine, we have been frustrated.

My Old-School Picture Bible had a lot of great stories, like Cain killing his brother, with bloody comic-book type renderings. I dare you to try to find that story in one of these new Bibles. It can't be done. They simply do not exist.

One of my all-time favorite stories, David and Goliath, had some amazing artwork. From the stone being flung from the sling, to the moment of impact on Goliath's forehead. With gushing blood, and the Philistine armies panicked reaction. Oh, and let's not forget about David cutting off Goliath's head. What child wouldn't want to read about this? I spent hours pouring over these full color pages.

Unfortunately, today's children will have to suffer through a kid friendly, no frills story, with a cartoon-like picture of David and Goliath, doing pretty much nothing.

This is a shame. I suspect that for this reason alone we will see a dramatic drop in how many children read the Bible. Apparently, in order for our kids to accurately learn these life changing stories, we will need to act them out in our living room.

So if any of you know where I can purchase a sacrificial lamb (and you are not a PETA representative) please leave me a comment and let me know.

2 Cars + Kids = No Room

We were gathered in a parking lot to caravan to camp with a bunch of middle school kids. Myself, and another leader named Shannon, were organizing transportation.

We had more than enough vehicles to fit the kids in, but it was about a 4 hour drive to camp. So we wanted to figure out how to cram as many kids into the least amount of vehicles.

So we started counting kids, which was no easy task, because middle school kids on skateboards move rather quickly. After about the seventh or eighth head-count, we finally decided we could fit everyone into two vans. Excitedly we tell all the kids to hop into the vehicles.

Just as we are about to drive away, a spare kid knocks on my window, looking a little panic stricken, and says, "The other van is full! Is there any room in this one?"

There was not. Which goes to show you that...



One additional car + lots of extra leg room later, and we were off to camp.

It's Getting Hot in Here...

Apparently the world has changed drastically in the last couple of years. For the most part churches could avoid or hide from the drastic leaps in technology that the pagans revelled in, but this is no longer the case.


Now churches have podcasts, and blogs, and all sorts of other words the unenlightened must wikipedia. As a youth pastor I am usually up on the latest, and enjoy scoffing at friends who are just now setting up their myspace accounts.

Then a few days ago, someone asked me if I Twitter. Not wanting to look ignorant I responded by saying that I am a frequent Twitterer, or Twitteree, and could even be considered somewhat of a Twitterist. Then I went straight home to figure out what this person was talking about. I learned I am not a Twitterbug, nor do I have any desire to become one...by the way if you twitter, I am currently typing these words.




So in church this week the preacher is preaching, and everything is status quo, until a person's phone goes off to the tune of "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes."

And I of course thought of all of you. Wait, not because I want you to take your clothes off. That didn't come out right...really, I didn't mean...oh, never mind.

How do you feel about text messaging during church?

Caden + Church = Potty Training

This Sunday my nephew, who is three years old, visited our church for Easter. Right as a song was ending at the pinnacle of silence, he frantically blurts out "I have to pee!"

The timing was perfect. Everyone within a square mile heard him, and grins and chuckles abounded.

Since I was sitting on the end, my instincts told me it would be a good idea to move out of the way. From the tone of my nephew's voice, I was guessing he needed to go rather quickly.

Later, the person sitting behind said, "I don't think I've ever seen you move so fast."


Do you have any funny stories about kids in church?

Late Night Church Monsters

Churches can be a place of hope, and light, and warmth. Church can also be a terrifying place, especially at night. Occasionally, as the last staff person to leave, it would fall on me to go around and lock up. This required making sure that all of our heating, computers, and lights were turned off.

Once everything in our church was off, it went from dark to pitch black. For some reason the light switches were nowhere near the exit doors, so you would have to feel your way to safety. All the way along, hearing creaks and groans coming from floor boards, closets, and window panes.

I'm not ashamed to admit, that I am still a little bit afraid of the dark. Well, not so much the dark, but the idea of what can happen in the dark. You know, falling down stairs, running into sharp metal objects, being chased by monsters. The usual stuff.

If it's possible, I think I may have prayed harder in church during those late evening lock-ups, than I did during morning services.

Ritz Crackers and Racoons

I was in high school when our youth group got together with other groups from our denomination. I was bunking with a college chaperon, I idolized named Dave Melendez.

One day after a morning session, I was on my way back to the room when all of a sudden Dave, and another leader named Kevin, quickly bust out of the room. Slamming the sliding glass door behind them, they look around with a look of panic, and instruct me hastily, "Do not go in there!"

So now I'm a little curious, but before I can ask what's going on, I hear the sound of breaking glass and screeching.

Dave and Kevin look at each other, like they just broke dad's favorite chair, and Kevin takes off, presumably to hide, or get help, or both.

Apparently, at some point in the morning these two wonderful spiritual role models decided to entice a raccoon to come into the room with cookies, and then trap it for observation.

They did not realize that raccoons, when trapped, have the strength and agility to rip apart curtains, bedding, knock over lamp stands, tear down shower curtains, and do a number of other destructive things, all in the span of about 3 minutes.

About $250 dollars in damage later, the raccoon was safely released back into the wild, and Dave and Kevin learned a valuable lesson on respecting God's creatures.

Any Given Sunday

Growing up, I typically enjoyed going to church. However, if you had to pick a service to miss, confirmation Sunday was definitely the one. Each student was given a Bible verse to memorize, and would be asked two questions about the Apostle's Creed.

This would require approximately 5 minutes per student. An average year would yield about 15 students so we're talking over an hour, and that is just the confirmation aspect.

It is a rule, that you must sing at least 2 songs at every church service. This rule may not be broken under any circumstance, or the congregation would call for an immediate removal of all personnel.

There must also be some sort of preaching, although in this case it can be a wrap up sermon condensed to 5-10 minutes or so. Now I realize that for some, a 90 minute service is nothing. I know some charismatic churches that regularly push the 4 hour mark.

However, if you are a part of a traditional liturgical church you know how restless people get when we go a minute over the hour mark. People will literally start leaving.

It was classic to see people walk in and realize it was confirmation Sunday. If they were paying attention, they would grab a bulletin and say something like "oh, I need to go the restroom."

Um...yeah, the restroom at your house.

Better still were the ones who weren't paying attention, and realized what was happening half-way down the isle. The looks on their faces was priceless. They were stuck until the first song, which would free them from purgatory, as they could casually slip out the back.